lietuveens: (shutup) figure out answers to questions that wouldn't matter tomorrow when I dress into my suicide squad armour. Still, they had to be clarified - why I have decided to torture myself with the things I would have never assigned myself to a couple of years ago. People.
lietuveens: (shutup)
...and now I am desperately trying to get back on track. Actually, I'm not. I don't give a single fuck about the reality and just lock myself in the flat and do nothing. Can't even bring myself to clean the house and mop the floors which is something I REALLY need to do. Also trying to get back with my food plan which is a complete disaster at the moment. But it's getting better. Being broke helps - I don't buy shit and I don't eat shit.

A good thing - a couple of new poems and a bit of piano work. Learned to play "Take it with me", kinda put on paper but it doesn't feel right. I need someone to play it so I figure where the problems are. Started trying out simple pieces to decide which ones I want to learn. Got halfway through.

I've grown particularly fond of Alan Cumming (again) about two weeks ago so I'm enjoying time with him. It's so good to have a couple millions of extra universes in my head.
lietuveens: (fuckyou)
...are dramatic. I knew that June talk would echo in me someway, and there it is. First, I am not afraid to meet men. Yesterday organised a date with a guy I met on the internet. Survived it almost without any stress. A year ago I would become hysterical several days before meeting, cancel everything and change my phone number, And? And. Figured out two things:

Uno. Here's the chance I asked the universe for - to have relationship, to have a family, to have simple down-to-earth life.

Dos. I don't fucking want it.
lietuveens: (always)
I weigh less than 80 kilos now. Stunningly beautiful at times. Happy. Throwing out clothes which are too big. Shopping for new.

Food is still difficult. Can't figure out whether that is a matter of discipline or my stomach's gone bad again.

I need a cajon. Now.
lietuveens: (shutup) I have a bruise on the back of my palm.
lietuveens: (cats) not wanting to go anywhere a couple of hours before leaving. I want to burn my tickets, roll into my bed and pretend I'm not there for this world. That is so strange. But I am honestly fighting it. I've already booked a taxi and got all packed up. Another couple of hours and I'll be on my way to Tallinn, then Helsinki. I haven't been to my lover-city Tallinn for a long time, we'll meet again. I have to get a bit drunk and dizzy, that's how he likes me the most. I'll breathe it in. I'll huff and I'll puff and I'm gonna blow it down.

And then there will be absolutely strange Helsinki with liquorice ice-cream and extremely expensive alcohol. Fidgety Finns. We'll see, we'll see.
lietuveens: (always)
...what if this is my best world? What if I was lucky? What if this is the best me? What if in the previous life I persuaded the universe to leave me the fuck alone this one time?
lietuveens: (always)
...every time I make dough. I've just put some bread dough for the night, and it's s warm all around. That is true magic.
lietuveens: (Default)
Got rid of helicobacteria, started eating better, lost 8 kilos in a month. Dear Gd, if you're English-speaking - thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
lietuveens: (Default)
...the worst part of it is not the hunger (which I am happily not experiencing at this point) but the missing necessity to buy, prepare and maintain the food. SO I accidentally creep into the kitchen to look at all the stuff I have just to realise I don't want any of that.
lietuveens: (cats)
...due to appetite loss and having to manage my meals so that all the pills I have to take settle... uh... harmoniously. They say one needs 23 days to build up a habit so I'm determined to struggle through these 23 days (actually, 15 left) and keep my meals small and regular.

And there's this coach at the gym I would love to know better. I know I never will but it's nice to know I can still feel something. For the last three month all I was feeling was my rational brain trying to figure out how to survive - when to eat, when to sleep, when to do stuff I desperately need to do. The worst of it is almost having a hysterical breakdown because you need to have a shower but you want to go to bed so much that quite ordinary brushing your teeth (which takes about 2 minutes) seems like a tragedy.

lietuveens: (Default)
...for over a month I've been struggling through Hawking's "A brief history of time", my philologist brain rebelled but I managed to tame it. It was the kind of book you can read only on the trolleybus at 7 a.m. Demands certain level of concentration which is impossible to get any other time of the day.

Now I'm reading "An astronaut' s guide to life on Earth" which is a slight bore but at least it's different from what I do everyday. Makes me feel at NASA :)
lietuveens: (всё тлен)
I shit you not, now they've found helicobacteria in my stomach and decided to treat it. For the next week I'm taking loads of antibiotics and being periodically out of this reality. Houston, communication channel with outer space has been set. Over.

Anyway, I'm begging heavens to return my colleague to work so that I don't have to guard the class I've been assigned to and probably do things I am supposed to do, like organise Language Week and other stuff I have to do as a methodist. Jeez, another two months to survive.
lietuveens: (Default) getting enough sleep. I don't do anything after work, I go to bed and that's it. And it's totally worth it.

Che persuaded me that magnesium is what I need, so I bought it, too. And a water filter.
lietuveens: (Default) my birthday. Nothing has changed. It's just I'm becoming 28.
lietuveens: (Default) not telling everybody that you are one. I bought a gym card yesterday with the 12month contract. We'll see how it goes. It's been the second time today and I've enjoyed it a lot. If it wasn't for my vocal tutor at midday, I would have gone to have a look at the equipment, 'cause I still haven't - I'm doing group trainings. Ok. I do hope for the best.
lietuveens: (cats)
I believe it's 9 hours sleep all week, two times tanning bed, vitamin b+Mg.

And I was still tricked into taking up another group at the language learning center. You know, talking to my boss there is like talking to gypsies. You know you are fooled but you don't know when and how.
lietuveens: (всё тлен)
...for once. Sometimes I feel I can't take it anymore. And yes, I do understand people jumping out in front of the cars on the highway. Because it hurts so much you can't bear it.

Right now I want to go out of the flat and run and run and run until I run into the love of my life somewhere in the darkest corner of this city. Or until I fall dead on the ground. Or scream the hell out of myself and cry it all out. But it creeps back, heavens, it comes back all the time.

And God I want to live so much.

I know this is not depression, it isn't. None of this nonsense.

I really should buy that gym card and and let the coach beat the shit out of me every second day or what.
lietuveens: (Default)
...and now I'm all plain pretty reddish brown. Should've done that months ago.

I want a date with a pleasant man, I think I'm ready. I mean, I think I'm ready to be pleasant in return.
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