the witch had it comin'

...I am living in Sweden trying to organise my life into a decent resemblance of what I had back home. Having language courses, a job and a gym card. The choir is on the way. I have been so explicitly lucky, oh gosh, regardless of all the nonsense I had to go through.

...we went from two scarred individuals frightfully reaching towards each other to regular weekend trips across Europe. At times I think I'm absolutely in love with him, at times I think I'm not. At both times I appreciate what it cost me to find this person, the way I feel with him, the good qualities he displays. Of course there are drawbacks, dislikes and stuff of a kind, but it's secondary at the moment. I don't know where this is going but I want to find out.

I've just returned from the five-day-stay at his place, feel bare, raw and cold. That's fine, he's coming here next week. I almost can't believe it's actually happening.

...a week ago. After I released him in the airport I went home relieved that he's gone, as it usually happens to me, though I realised that two days with him cost me actually very little emotional energy compared to the amounts I waste on other people. By the end of this week I feel - no, not falling - rushing in love. One of the factors is his text that he wanted to kiss me at the airport, but simply chickened out. The other factor is my PMS that's kept me horny as fuck in the last five days. It is a torture, literally - I masturbate and my head clears for like five minutes, afterwards I go to the same state of feeling aroused and imagining what I would do to the poor viking when I get hold of him. The soonest possible meeting is on the 27th October, I've already bought the tickets and now I just have to survive that long without fucking things up. Which is a struggle, cause Personality Anna gets into frequent fights with Female Anna and Collective Memory. I know Personality Anna is right in most cases, so I let her win. Ah, what a time to be alive.

...to figure out answers to questions that wouldn't matter tomorrow when I dress into my suicide squad armour. Still, they had to be clarified - why I have decided to torture myself with the things I would have never assigned myself to a couple of years ago. People.

...two days ago, and I ran across Severus GIF, so now I am watching HP and contemplating about what would happen if I started thinking about him again. He is still the best thing that has happened to me. I do not regret a single second of those 10 years.

...too close and for too long. The only thing I want is to crawl back home and stay there until I feel a bit more stable. And universe flies on - private tutorials, work, university, people, people, people... My happy place seems unreachable, so close yet so far because of the 4th dimension. Yes, time is the thing that anchors me to this transparent reality. And, yes, transparent - I can see so many worlds beyond it. And it's all a mirage.

...but when they do...

It's Alan. I haven't felt so shitty for a long time.

I still have deep feeling for Severus and I don't hope to love anyone else that way. It's impossible. A chance like that is given once in a lifetime.

...are dramatic. I knew that June talk would echo in me someway, and there it is. First, I am not afraid to meet men. Yesterday organised a date with a guy I met on the internet. Survived it almost without any stress. A year ago I would become hysterical several days before meeting, cancel everything and change my phone number, And? And. Figured out two things:

Uno. Here's the chance I asked the universe for - to have relationship, to have a family, to have simple down-to-earth life.

Dos. I don't fucking want it.

...now I have a bruise on the back of my palm.

...is not wanting to go anywhere a couple of hours before leaving. I want to burn my tickets, roll into my bed and pretend I'm not there for this world. That is so strange. But I am honestly fighting it. I've already booked a taxi and got all packed up. Another couple of hours and I'll be on my way to Tallinn, then Helsinki. I haven't been to my lover-city Tallinn for a long time, we'll meet again. I have to get a bit drunk and dizzy, that's how he likes me the most. I'll breathe it in. I'll huff and I'll puff and I'm gonna blow it down.

And then there will be absolutely strange Helsinki with liquorice ice-cream and extremely expensive alcohol. Fidgety Finns. We'll see, we'll see.