lietuveens: (whoa mama)
...a week ago. After I released him in the airport I went home relieved that he's gone, as it usually happens to me, though I realised that two days with him cost me actually very little emotional energy compared to the amounts I waste on other people. By the end of this week I feel - no, not falling - rushing in love. One of the factors is his text that he wanted to kiss me at the airport, but simply chickened out. The other factor is my PMS that's kept me horny as fuck in the last five days. It is a torture, literally - I masturbate and my head clears for like five minutes, afterwards I go to the same state of feeling aroused and imagining what I would do to the poor viking when I get hold of him. The soonest possible meeting is on the 27th October, I've already bought the tickets and now I just have to survive that long without fucking things up. Which is a struggle, cause Personality Anna gets into frequent fights with Female Anna and Collective Memory. I know Personality Anna is right in most cases, so I let her win. Ah, what a time to be alive.
lietuveens: (whoa mama)
...I've been freaking out over this Icelandic guy. How on earth is it possible to be named Thorvaldur? Amazing. I hope we do live as far as to meet in person.
lietuveens: (всё тлен)
...all this keeps coming back to me. The words, the thoughts, the people. I am my worst enemy but also my best friend. And this collective memory I have in the form of fears is driving me crazy from time to time. Sometimes I think I could've spent the whole life revelling under the canopy of my own beautiful worlds, but this reality interrupts my contemplating.
lietuveens: (shutup)
...to figure out answers to questions that wouldn't matter tomorrow when I dress into my suicide squad armour. Still, they had to be clarified - why I have decided to torture myself with the things I would have never assigned myself to a couple of years ago. People.
lietuveens: (cats)
...needs my songs. Or rather I need to sing them to whoever listens or doesn't listen at all - that does not matter. I am filled with music. And now choir is on holiday until February - it's a disaster.
lietuveens: (always)
...two days ago, and I ran across Severus GIF, so now I am watching HP and contemplating about what would happen if I started thinking about him again. He is still the best thing that has happened to me. I do not regret a single second of those 10 years.
lietuveens: (whoa mama)
...who works at the embassy here and totally thinks I'm a spy because I'm Russian, I speak decent English, and I live AND work very very close to him. He's intrigued and I'm displaying my best personality traits like talking which is a struggle, but then he talks about his Kenyan girlfriend (whatever that means) but still keeps chatting on Facebook. So I have no idea what to do with all that. We've known each other for two days but I feel reasonably comfortable already.
lietuveens: (всё тлен)
...too close and for too long. The only thing I want is to crawl back home and stay there until I feel a bit more stable. And universe flies on - private tutorials, work, university, people, people, people... My happy place seems unreachable, so close yet so far because of the 4th dimension. Yes, time is the thing that anchors me to this transparent reality. And, yes, transparent - I can see so many worlds beyond it. And it's all a mirage.
lietuveens: (shutup)
...and now I am desperately trying to get back on track. Actually, I'm not. I don't give a single fuck about the reality and just lock myself in the flat and do nothing. Can't even bring myself to clean the house and mop the floors which is something I REALLY need to do. Also trying to get back with my food plan which is a complete disaster at the moment. But it's getting better. Being broke helps - I don't buy shit and I don't eat shit.

A good thing - a couple of new poems and a bit of piano work. Learned to play "Take it with me", kinda put on paper but it doesn't feel right. I need someone to play it so I figure where the problems are. Started trying out simple pieces to decide which ones I want to learn. Got halfway through.

I've grown particularly fond of Alan Cumming (again) about two weeks ago so I'm enjoying time with him. It's so good to have a couple millions of extra universes in my head.
lietuveens: (всё тлен)
...but when they do...

It's Alan. I haven't felt so shitty for a long time.

I still have deep feeling for Severus and I don't hope to love anyone else that way. It's impossible. A chance like that is given once in a lifetime.

No.

Jan. 14th, 2016 03:36 pm
lietuveens: (always)
No way. No. Alan.
lietuveens: (fuckyou)
...are dramatic. I knew that June talk would echo in me someway, and there it is. First, I am not afraid to meet men. Yesterday organised a date with a guy I met on the internet. Survived it almost without any stress. A year ago I would become hysterical several days before meeting, cancel everything and change my phone number, And? And. Figured out two things:

Uno. Here's the chance I asked the universe for - to have relationship, to have a family, to have simple down-to-earth life.

Dos. I don't fucking want it.
lietuveens: (always)
I weigh less than 80 kilos now. Stunningly beautiful at times. Happy. Throwing out clothes which are too big. Shopping for new.

Food is still difficult. Can't figure out whether that is a matter of discipline or my stomach's gone bad again.

I need a cajon. Now.
lietuveens: (shutup)
...now I have a bruise on the back of my palm.
lietuveens: (Default)
...absolutely motivated. There was a Lithuanian guy who told things about breathing and using the voice. Realized I'm a weakling and I have to boost myself up. The best exercise for singing is a goddamn plank on elbows. Now trying to use the new knowledge. Practising standing, exercising and breathing in the right way. Doggy-breath is a challenge, too. Can't do it for even half a minute. Sissy.

So I'm returning to the gym and trying to get fit.

Ah, yes. Got "promoted" to 1st sopranos. I can't say I am satisfied, but it's a challenge. I'll take the risk and see if it works. Think, think, think while singing.

Figured out I'm pretty good at rhythm. Now I DESIRE a drum, a cajon or a djembe or a conga. For now I use my "lacis" but I want something decent. Practice, practice, practice.
lietuveens: (cats)
...is not wanting to go anywhere a couple of hours before leaving. I want to burn my tickets, roll into my bed and pretend I'm not there for this world. That is so strange. But I am honestly fighting it. I've already booked a taxi and got all packed up. Another couple of hours and I'll be on my way to Tallinn, then Helsinki. I haven't been to my lover-city Tallinn for a long time, we'll meet again. I have to get a bit drunk and dizzy, that's how he likes me the most. I'll breathe it in. I'll huff and I'll puff and I'm gonna blow it down.

And then there will be absolutely strange Helsinki with liquorice ice-cream and extremely expensive alcohol. Fidgety Finns. We'll see, we'll see.
lietuveens: (always)
...what if this is my best world? What if I was lucky? What if this is the best me? What if in the previous life I persuaded the universe to leave me the fuck alone this one time?
lietuveens: (always)
...every time I make dough. I've just put some bread dough for the night, and it's s warm all around. That is true magic.
lietuveens: (Default)
Got rid of helicobacteria, started eating better, lost 8 kilos in a month. Dear Gd, if you're English-speaking - thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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