lietuveens | Some days I feel

...as if I'm going to die right away if nobody hugs me and holds me until it gets better. But I know there's nobody, so I drink, or smoke, or sing my heart out, or do anything to survive the night.

I want to know where the fuck it comes from, where have I gone wrong. I realised I am forbidding myself to have emotions. Like, I thought I suppress good mood and happiness, but no - I suppress sadness and hurt, too. Just to be or to seem always in an even mood. Shit, I've spent years controlling my temper - and there I am, unhappy again. Everybody says they wish they had my peace, but I beat my emotional self nearly to death, I reckon. Previously I did it to stay on the surface of this reality, but now... I hurt myself so much every day. And I don't know how to stop or how to control myself less violently.