Bought two kilos of peaches

... and thinking whether, having eaten all of them today, I'll be having any stomach issues. They went by a discount today, actually for the past week, so I've been eating them from time to time. Very cheap, 85 eurocents. Sometimes I'm so on fruit that I even forget I am a carnivore.

Nevertheless, I wouldn't be physically able to live on grass, I become nervous and cranky when I have to live without meat.

Meeting my sister tomorrow, hopefully. We don't talk too much since we don't live together any more, and sometimes I start missing her badly. Actually, I feel so bad for distancing from my family. Even though I know that in case of need they will be right there to help me, I miss them a lot.

Mom's going to a sanatorium in Druskininkai, Lithuania, and I really hope she'll have a good time.

Some days I feel

...as if I'm going to die right away if nobody hugs me and holds me until it gets better. But I know there's nobody, so I drink, or smoke, or sing my heart out, or do anything to survive the night.

I want to know where the fuck it comes from, where have I gone wrong. I realised I am forbidding myself to have emotions. Like, I thought I suppress good mood and happiness, but no - I suppress sadness and hurt, too. Just to be or to seem always in an even mood. Shit, I've spent years controlling my temper - and there I am, unhappy again. Everybody says they wish they had my peace, but I beat my emotional self nearly to death, I reckon. Previously I did it to stay on the surface of this reality, but now... I hurt myself so much every day. And I don't know how to stop or how to control myself less violently.