the witch had it comin'

...for over a month I've been struggling through Hawking's "A brief history of time", my philologist brain rebelled but I managed to tame it. It was the kind of book you can read only on the trolleybus at 7 a.m. Demands certain level of concentration which is impossible to get any other time of the day.

Now I'm reading "An astronaut' s guide to life on Earth" which is a slight bore but at least it's different from what I do everyday. Makes me feel at NASA :)

...is getting enough sleep. I don't do anything after work, I go to bed and that's it. And it's totally worth it.

Che persuaded me that magnesium is what I need, so I bought it, too. And a water filter.

yawned, trying to make it unnoticeable for the kids
delivered a lesson on haiku to the other teacher's group
tried hard not to strangle anyone
drew tables and schemes on the board
tore a hysterical girl off a boy who was mocking at her
yelled
banged my hand on the table (have a bruise now)
broke my watch against the table
yelled
yelled
yelled like hell
promised death, hell, corporal punishment for deeds against the humanity
yelled
yelled, promised to turn one's life into hell
drank some water
wrote reprimands in diaries
served as a waitress
yelled
told each and every child (30 in total) in grade 4A why I like them and they are my favourite pupils in grade 4A
made them write an essay "why my class is like that"
yelled, humiliated, offended
read essays and laughed hysterically

In fact, quoting the last book I've read, "The Jews are no laughing matter". Tomorrow I have to see the psychologist and tell her we're all fucked. And doomed. And hell is unleashed. It's been going on for four years with their class teacher, and now she's ill and I'm substituting, and they are a disaster. I am not the person who would tolerate any of this bullshit.

I believe it's 9 hours sleep all week, two times tanning bed, vitamin b+Mg.

And I was still tricked into taking up another group at the language learning center. You know, talking to my boss there is like talking to gypsies. You know you are fooled but you don't know when and how.

...for once. Sometimes I feel I can't take it anymore. And yes, I do understand people jumping out in front of the cars on the highway. Because it hurts so much you can't bear it.

Right now I want to go out of the flat and run and run and run until I run into the love of my life somewhere in the darkest corner of this city. Or until I fall dead on the ground. Or scream the hell out of myself and cry it all out. But it creeps back, heavens, it comes back all the time.

And God I want to live so much.

I know this is not depression, it isn't. None of this nonsense.

I really should buy that gym card and and let the coach beat the shit out of me every second day or what.

...for the third time this year. Where, how, what have I done to myself to have this? I've been thinking it is because I speak evil all the time. One of my friends said if that was true she would have already been down, diagonal and dangling and covered in pimples because of all things she says.

So I had an insight - what if that's because I forbid myself to speak my mind? I've been doing this brutally this year. I've been hurting myself.

...and now I'm all plain pretty reddish brown. Should've done that months ago.

I want a date with a pleasant man, I think I'm ready. I mean, I think I'm ready to be pleasant in return.

...if anyone could send me a kazoo? It'll be my pleasure to send something in return.

Received a letter from the conductor, he invited me to extra rehearsals. He's planning to make an ensemble of the strongest choir singers. He claims the current choir is unable to perform at a level as high as his ambitions are. This is literally the best thing that has happened to me for the last week. Yes, I do want extra work, extra learning and extra singing. How could one possibly reject that?

I've been to a vocal tutorial again. Felt so good. I will be able to attend the tutorial twice a month, that's better than nothing. And the strange thing - I started singing TIMES better right from the first note. Unbelievable. And I feel so much more confident now.

Still after four hours of waiting I got scared of the solo part again, so I messed it up a bit during the rehearsal. But it's going to be okay if I relax and let it flow.