lietuveens: (cats)
...due to appetite loss and having to manage my meals so that all the pills I have to take settle... uh... harmoniously. They say one needs 23 days to build up a habit so I'm determined to struggle through these 23 days (actually, 15 left) and keep my meals small and regular.

And there's this coach at the gym I would love to know better. I know I never will but it's nice to know I can still feel something. For the last three month all I was feeling was my rational brain trying to figure out how to survive - when to eat, when to sleep, when to do stuff I desperately need to do. The worst of it is almost having a hysterical breakdown because you need to have a shower but you want to go to bed so much that quite ordinary brushing your teeth (which takes about 2 minutes) seems like a tragedy.

Shit.
lietuveens: (Default)
...for over a month I've been struggling through Hawking's "A brief history of time", my philologist brain rebelled but I managed to tame it. It was the kind of book you can read only on the trolleybus at 7 a.m. Demands certain level of concentration which is impossible to get any other time of the day.

Now I'm reading "An astronaut' s guide to life on Earth" which is a slight bore but at least it's different from what I do everyday. Makes me feel at NASA :)
lietuveens: (всё тлен)
I shit you not, now they've found helicobacteria in my stomach and decided to treat it. For the next week I'm taking loads of antibiotics and being periodically out of this reality. Houston, communication channel with outer space has been set. Over.

Anyway, I'm begging heavens to return my colleague to work so that I don't have to guard the class I've been assigned to and probably do things I am supposed to do, like organise Language Week and other stuff I have to do as a methodist. Jeez, another two months to survive.
lietuveens: (Default)
...is getting enough sleep. I don't do anything after work, I go to bed and that's it. And it's totally worth it.

Che persuaded me that magnesium is what I need, so I bought it, too. And a water filter.
lietuveens: (Default)
...is my birthday. Nothing has changed. It's just I'm becoming 28.
lietuveens: (fuckyou)
yawned, trying to make it unnoticeable for the kids
delivered a lesson on haiku to the other teacher's group
tried hard not to strangle anyone
drew tables and schemes on the board
tore a hysterical girl off a boy who was mocking at her
yelled
banged my hand on the table (have a bruise now)
broke my watch against the table
yelled
yelled
yelled like hell
promised death, hell, corporal punishment for deeds against the humanity
yelled
yelled, promised to turn one's life into hell
drank some water
wrote reprimands in diaries
served as a waitress
yelled
told each and every child (30 in total) in grade 4A why I like them and they are my favourite pupils in grade 4A
made them write an essay "why my class is like that"
yelled, humiliated, offended
read essays and laughed hysterically

In fact, quoting the last book I've read, "The Jews are no laughing matter". Tomorrow I have to see the psychologist and tell her we're all fucked. And doomed. And hell is unleashed. It's been going on for four years with their class teacher, and now she's ill and I'm substituting, and they are a disaster. I am not the person who would tolerate any of this bullshit.
lietuveens: (Default)
...is not telling everybody that you are one. I bought a gym card yesterday with the 12month contract. We'll see how it goes. It's been the second time today and I've enjoyed it a lot. If it wasn't for my vocal tutor at midday, I would have gone to have a look at the equipment, 'cause I still haven't - I'm doing group trainings. Ok. I do hope for the best.
lietuveens: (cats)
I believe it's 9 hours sleep all week, two times tanning bed, vitamin b+Mg.

And I was still tricked into taking up another group at the language learning center. You know, talking to my boss there is like talking to gypsies. You know you are fooled but you don't know when and how.
lietuveens: (всё тлен)
...and it's all because of two things:

1. I've been doing too much work. I've been forced to do too much work. I've lived through January dreaming about having enough sleep and not having to go anywhere. I've been having 32 contact hours at school + class teaching (a bunch of 30 little assholes) + second work + choir rehearsals 3-6 times a week + extra private lessons. I want to cry all my exhaustion out, I can hardly go on. This is the first weekend when I ... no, it's actually not. I still have to correct two packs of tests (I've corrected 4), translate an 11-page document, make a synopsis out of a 120-page case-study and prepare for tomorrow's lessons, I have to work 8-17 tomorrow. Damn, I'm fucked.

2. For the last month and a half I've been having a lasting tonsiliitis (two antibiotics courses didn't help), all kinds of skin reactions and what not. I believe it' s my exhaustion but I can't do anything. On Tuesday I'm seeing an otolaryngologist. I hope he helps.

And since Thursday I have trouble with breathing, cough a running nose and in general a total sad-ass sight.
lietuveens: (всё тлен)
...for once. Sometimes I feel I can't take it anymore. And yes, I do understand people jumping out in front of the cars on the highway. Because it hurts so much you can't bear it.

Right now I want to go out of the flat and run and run and run until I run into the love of my life somewhere in the darkest corner of this city. Or until I fall dead on the ground. Or scream the hell out of myself and cry it all out. But it creeps back, heavens, it comes back all the time.

And God I want to live so much.

I know this is not depression, it isn't. None of this nonsense.

I really should buy that gym card and and let the coach beat the shit out of me every second day or what.
lietuveens: (always)
...of Severus. The git appears in my dream probably once a year or even less. And he touched me. And he almost kissed me. Just as I've been thinking of letting him go. Of letting ME go. So the tattoo will be my NY resolution.

I wrote this in my LJ, and one of my friends commented that I should leave the past alone. For ten minutes I struggled with myself not to start waving banhammer all around my friendlist. Then I just deleted the comment. What does that say about me?

And you know what? I am terrified at the thought of being alone for ever.
lietuveens: (shutup)
...for the third time this year. Where, how, what have I done to myself to have this? I've been thinking it is because I speak evil all the time. One of my friends said if that was true she would have already been down, diagonal and dangling and covered in pimples because of all things she says.

So I had an insight - what if that's because I forbid myself to speak my mind? I've been doing this brutally this year. I've been hurting myself.

Oh, God...

Dec. 11th, 2014 10:27 pm
lietuveens: (fuckyou)
Two of my colleagues have been sick for a week now, so I'm working for three. I have full classes (30-34 people), I have to make sure very group revises and writes a first-term test. I was clever enough to send other groups' tests to their sick teachers, but I still have eight packs of tests to correct. And I have been working like mad for a week now. Even though I still manage to sleep for 7 hours every night, I work and work and work and work during the day. Goddamnit, I walk out of the 0 lesson (starts at 7.45!!!) at 8.25 and I get caught in the corridor by someone telling me that in the 1st lesson (8.30!!!) I have the whole class of 3rd graders. And my group is supposed to write a test because it's their last English lesson this week! Fuck!


Tomorrow night we're having the annual Christmas ball with the parents of or pupils. I'll be down, diagonal and dangling. Already told the administration that they're responsible for getting me home tomorrow, but they said I can sleep in the school.
lietuveens: (Default)
...and now I'm all plain pretty reddish brown. Should've done that months ago.

I want a date with a pleasant man, I think I'm ready. I mean, I think I'm ready to be pleasant in return.
lietuveens: (shutup)
...but I always end up broke. I need a man to give all my salary to. Seriously, I need someone else to do it for me. I need lots of stuff, and this year I can afford most of these things. Like I've been buying my favourite body butter (7 euros) every month for the last two months. But I also need to buy a fridge, a bed, floor replacement in one of the rooms, and I'm too slow at saving money for that. If I save any at all. At the moment I've got a couple of euros saved, but knowing myself I am too worried to spend them in one go if I decide I need something. Shit, I am threat to myself. Another thing I'd decided I need more than a fridge is a dentist. So I've been to a dentist last week (only 35 euros, yaaay!) and I'm going this week, and I'll need at least one more visit, plus hygiene.

A good thing is that I'm putting all the tax money I will have to pay in March on my third bank account, so I'll be able to borrow money from myself. I desperately need a man, a clever man, God, I need a clever man in my life.

I wonder

Nov. 18th, 2014 09:17 pm
lietuveens: (Default)
...if anyone could send me a kazoo? It'll be my pleasure to send something in return.
lietuveens: (whoa mama)
Received a letter from the conductor, he invited me to extra rehearsals. He's planning to make an ensemble of the strongest choir singers. He claims the current choir is unable to perform at a level as high as his ambitions are. This is literally the best thing that has happened to me for the last week. Yes, I do want extra work, extra learning and extra singing. How could one possibly reject that?
lietuveens: (always)
...inside of me. Might be my silly canary heart starting to beat again. A bit too early, winter hasn't set in yet. I feel a bit lonely.

...he doesn't feel cold anymore
doesn't feel fear
since then
he only feels sorrow
as if his heart wanders along the blood vessels in ice crystals
trying to escape through the tear channels
but he can't cry
since then exactly

Finally!

Nov. 8th, 2014 09:06 pm
lietuveens: (shutup)
I've been to a vocal tutorial again. Felt so good. I will be able to attend the tutorial twice a month, that's better than nothing. And the strange thing - I started singing TIMES better right from the first note. Unbelievable. And I feel so much more confident now.

Still after four hours of waiting I got scared of the solo part again, so I messed it up a bit during the rehearsal. But it's going to be okay if I relax and let it flow.
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