lietuveens: (cats)
...needs my songs. Or rather I need to sing them to whoever listens or doesn't listen at all - that does not matter. I am filled with music. And now choir is on holiday until February - it's a disaster.
lietuveens: (always)
...two days ago, and I ran across Severus GIF, so now I am watching HP and contemplating about what would happen if I started thinking about him again. He is still the best thing that has happened to me. I do not regret a single second of those 10 years.
lietuveens: (всё тлен)
...for once. Sometimes I feel I can't take it anymore. And yes, I do understand people jumping out in front of the cars on the highway. Because it hurts so much you can't bear it.

Right now I want to go out of the flat and run and run and run until I run into the love of my life somewhere in the darkest corner of this city. Or until I fall dead on the ground. Or scream the hell out of myself and cry it all out. But it creeps back, heavens, it comes back all the time.

And God I want to live so much.

I know this is not depression, it isn't. None of this nonsense.

I really should buy that gym card and and let the coach beat the shit out of me every second day or what.
lietuveens: (always)
...of Severus. The git appears in my dream probably once a year or even less. And he touched me. And he almost kissed me. Just as I've been thinking of letting him go. Of letting ME go. So the tattoo will be my NY resolution.

I wrote this in my LJ, and one of my friends commented that I should leave the past alone. For ten minutes I struggled with myself not to start waving banhammer all around my friendlist. Then I just deleted the comment. What does that say about me?

And you know what? I am terrified at the thought of being alone for ever.
lietuveens: (always)
I've been thinking a lot about Severus lately. What if letting Lily go (which is probably impossible, but anyway) would have weakened him before those seven years of constant strain? What if that is the only thing that kept him alive and mentally stable? As stable, of course, as he can be in general.

And whenever I go to Hogwarts, all I hear is Lily, Lily, Lily, Lily... Fuckin' pink pony land.
lietuveens: (always)
I'm having a tattoo. May God forgive me this. Well, he shouldn't have given me such a heart in the first place.
lietuveens: (always)
He's so rare in my dreams that I just HAVE to write it down, it happens, I shit you not, once in several years. I always wondered how blocked I am to myself. He's been the VIP for over ten years, my emotions were incredibly intense for a certain period of time - like, 5-7 years for sure, but this is probably the fourth time I see him in a dream.

As if he's an actor in a movie (looks like HP7 or something), and the shooting comes to the end. So he's sitting on a chair among other actors, and I'm standing in front of him, and he says "I'm so tired. And I missed you so much". That's when my heart almost explodes with love, and we're suddenly in a different room. I make him a bed and lay him down. The bed is narrow, but he makes room for me and invites me to join.

I also do remember hugging him, but I don't know when it happened.
lietuveens: (Default)
She didn't like any of the ones offered. She liked a normal one, though. She's Celestine.
lietuveens: (always)
Full of dragons and tails of stray dogs. Waking up in tears and daydreaming for three days afterwards. Enlivens.
lietuveens: (Default)
The stars are everywhere. Just take a look at the sky. It's the best thing about stars. Even when you're among the Las Vegas lights or the sun shines as if there will be no tomorrow - the stars are there. You see them, you just don't know. You merely can't distinguish them, but they are there.
lietuveens: (shutup)
...C2's lips. Soft. I've never thought lips could be so damn silky soft. Let us leave dealing with realities to physicists. For me that kiss is just "different kind of real". And that's all I want to remember. Probably also his calm and confident manners. Or C2 putting his arm under his shirt and pretending his heart is beating out of his chest while playing drums with the other hand.

He's leaving, anyways. I wonder with whom will C1 break my heart this time.

I've got a month to recover.
lietuveens: (Default)
It's been quite a long time since I read anything decent in English. A couple of weeks ago I was lucky to receive a copy of "A Thing of Rags and Patches" by Catt Kingsgrave.

This book is like a chest of mysterious souvenirs - enchanting collection of rags and patches brought from numerous realities. I picked them up one by one, and each of them was a marvellous adventure. They are whirls of poetry and petals of prose embellished with language varying from plain and simple up to mesmerisingly rich and colourful.

Reader dissolves in every storyline, as sadness and longing creep through the lines. Or is it hope?

As for the quote hunters, this is the right book to have a look at. As for dreamers, this is the well of inspiration to dip their heads in and enjoy the vortex of the worlds offered by the Author.
lietuveens: (always)
My dreams have become more sensual, more kinesthetic recently. Before falling asleep I think about Severus, but I see others in my dreams. The nights I've seen him can be counted on my fingers. Four times in ten years, probably. I guess I am a hippo as concerns emotions.
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