lietuveens: (shutup)
...but I always end up broke. I need a man to give all my salary to. Seriously, I need someone else to do it for me. I need lots of stuff, and this year I can afford most of these things. Like I've been buying my favourite body butter (7 euros) every month for the last two months. But I also need to buy a fridge, a bed, floor replacement in one of the rooms, and I'm too slow at saving money for that. If I save any at all. At the moment I've got a couple of euros saved, but knowing myself I am too worried to spend them in one go if I decide I need something. Shit, I am threat to myself. Another thing I'd decided I need more than a fridge is a dentist. So I've been to a dentist last week (only 35 euros, yaaay!) and I'm going this week, and I'll need at least one more visit, plus hygiene.

A good thing is that I'm putting all the tax money I will have to pay in March on my third bank account, so I'll be able to borrow money from myself. I desperately need a man, a clever man, God, I need a clever man in my life.

I wonder

Nov. 18th, 2014 09:17 pm
lietuveens: (Default)
...if anyone could send me a kazoo? It'll be my pleasure to send something in return.
lietuveens: (whoa mama)
Received a letter from the conductor, he invited me to extra rehearsals. He's planning to make an ensemble of the strongest choir singers. He claims the current choir is unable to perform at a level as high as his ambitions are. This is literally the best thing that has happened to me for the last week. Yes, I do want extra work, extra learning and extra singing. How could one possibly reject that?
lietuveens: (always)
...inside of me. Might be my silly canary heart starting to beat again. A bit too early, winter hasn't set in yet. I feel a bit lonely.

...he doesn't feel cold anymore
doesn't feel fear
since then
he only feels sorrow
as if his heart wanders along the blood vessels in ice crystals
trying to escape through the tear channels
but he can't cry
since then exactly


Nov. 8th, 2014 09:06 pm
lietuveens: (shutup)
I've been to a vocal tutorial again. Felt so good. I will be able to attend the tutorial twice a month, that's better than nothing. And the strange thing - I started singing TIMES better right from the first note. Unbelievable. And I feel so much more confident now.

Still after four hours of waiting I got scared of the solo part again, so I messed it up a bit during the rehearsal. But it's going to be okay if I relax and let it flow.
lietuveens: (shutup)
I still feel this reality as something apart from me, as if nothing is actually real. Except the money I am expecting from half of Riga inhabitants.

But you know what makes me happy? The fact that I can write out the alto score for a simple song. And yes, of course, I am singing practically every fucking song they've included in the concert next Thursday. I mean, I love singing but sometimes it gets me down to know bosses are taking me for granted, and I don't feel as confident as I am supposed to. I desperately need a vocal tutorial but I'm broke. I hope I get money this week and have a chance to see my teacher before the concert. I need practice soooo much.
lietuveens: (Default)
First of all, and the best, I've got tons of work. Expecting tons of money. I hope my organism gets used to it because right now it is showing obvious signs of stress.

Secondly, my poems were published on a webpage under the University of Latvia, which is nice. On the other hand, they were published in Latvian, but I wanted them to be in English. Also, I was contacted by a journalist, she asked for an interview with me concerning my publication in one of the almanachs. Tricky, tricky/
lietuveens: (whoa mama)
What DOES happen in there that lasts more that two hours? Gosh! And it was all humming and purring and what not.

And I couldn't clean fly poo off the window glass, I don't know why. It just doesn't come off with plain glass cleaner and a newspaper. I guess I should call Mom and ask if it's okay to rub it cause I don;t want to scrap the glass. Or maybe I should try soda. A bit desperate.

Since we've got adaptation days at school I'm not really doing anything thus feeling bad for not being able to go home and continue unpacking my stuff. I almost finished kitchen yesterday, but there are still tons of things. I don't have much furniture so I don't know where I am going to put all that. And I haven't been to the landlord's office, and I'm missing it out today because of work.

Yes, I was forced to accept Russian lessons based on the fact that I am a native speaker, so I have to meet the other teacher to come to a consensus about the way we are going to teach it this year. The situation is shitty but I have no power to over it.
lietuveens: (whoa mama)
Thank God I don't have to do anything in particular at work.

Especially taking into account that I've spent three days worrying the shit out of myself. Flat owners (I still call them that) told me they'd be ready to give me the keys on Sunday at 16.00. So I call the lorry guy and my friends. Sudden;y it turns out that people I've been counting on can't be there and help me. So I rant around the city looking for help, and I find it. On Saturday (at night!!!) the owners send me an e-mail saying that they're going to be late and I might get the keys in the evening. So I wait and worry, worry and and wait, they call and tell me I'll get the keys at 18.00 or 19.00. I call all my helpers telling them it's kinda getting delayed, or postponed until Tuesday. And on and on this thing went.

But in the end I got they keys and by 21.00 my stuff was in the new flat. I still got things in the old place, and I spent this night there, because the 1st September and shit, you know, I gotta be nice, neat, decent and on time.

I hope I take the rest to the new flat tonight. Before that, I have to go around some services with a pack of documents, urgh.
lietuveens: (whoa mama)
...about moving flats, and I know I shouldn't because if I give in to this kind of excitement I cannot work or sleep or function as a normal person. I must suppress my emotions and go on until things happen. The same is when I fall in love - I stop functioning as a society member, not a very healthy feeling.

Rewatched Queen of the Damned, I just love the music in the movie.
lietuveens: (Default)
...still one left. I hope somebody volunteers to take it. Anyway, couldn't help myself and planted four peaches. What am I going to do with them?
lietuveens: (всё тлен) if I'm going to die right away if nobody hugs me and holds me until it gets better. But I know there's nobody, so I drink, or smoke, or sing my heart out, or do anything to survive the night.

I want to know where the fuck it comes from, where have I gone wrong. I realised I am forbidding myself to have emotions. Like, I thought I suppress good mood and happiness, but no - I suppress sadness and hurt, too. Just to be or to seem always in an even mood. Shit, I've spent years controlling my temper - and there I am, unhappy again. Everybody says they wish they had my peace, but I beat my emotional self nearly to death, I reckon. Previously I did it to stay on the surface of this reality, but now... I hurt myself so much every day. And I don't know how to stop or how to control myself less violently.
lietuveens: (Default)
... and thinking whether, having eaten all of them today, I'll be having any stomach issues. They went by a discount today, actually for the past week, so I've been eating them from time to time. Very cheap, 85 eurocents. Sometimes I'm so on fruit that I even forget I am a carnivore.

Nevertheless, I wouldn't be physically able to live on grass, I become nervous and cranky when I have to live without meat.

Meeting my sister tomorrow, hopefully. We don't talk too much since we don't live together any more, and sometimes I start missing her badly. Actually, I feel so bad for distancing from my family. Even though I know that in case of need they will be right there to help me, I miss them a lot.

Mom's going to a sanatorium in Druskininkai, Lithuania, and I really hope she'll have a good time.
lietuveens: (Default)
...with pumpkin flour, of course. I have to use it, anyway. A colleague told me something about melon flour, so I'm thinking if it could possibly substitute sugar completely, because melon's sweet as hell.

Actually, at weekends I feel so pleasantly useless so that I have to make up a list of things to do. I've already done a couple of things from the list, but I'm still feeling chill-out-ish. Like my day's going to be pure laziness. I should really get down to business and clean the flat.
lietuveens: (no)'s kept in the closet for so long. Since I'm preparing to move flats, I'm trying to find (!), identify (!) and throw away things I most probably do not need. Which is a torture, because I feel sorry for every tiny little thing I throw away. My heart feels like a stone, but I just can't drag all this stuff to the other part of the city. I try to give things away, but some of them are totally dumb trash, nobody needs stuff like that. Argh.
lietuveens: (Default)
...with pumpkin flour. They are times sweeter, and they taste like pumpkin. I have to think of a sauce to use the pumpkin flour for.

Went for a run right after the rain today. I couldn't decide whether to go for a walk on a long distance or to go running on a standard distance; running won. I didn't feel like going somewhere alone today. Anyway, I am always worried to meet snakes in the forest, grandma taught me special words to say to prevent the meeting - Russian magic is so Russian. It always works, though.

Sent four of my poems to a magazine, and I am freaking out because I don't write in English so much, and since I'm sure I'm a genius, my head is full of thought about somebody stealing my genius poems. I know, that's unbelievably stupid, but I love my own poems so much I would marry them. Anyway, the magazine promised to answer in three months, and it seems like eternity.
lietuveens: (Default)
...but I'm not getting it because I'm broke. I even sold my small washing machine for 40 euros, but then mom told me one can't be full with sushi, so I took her to a sushi restaurant to disprove this statement. Naturally, she couldn't deal with two sets of sushi and had to take some home. That cost me 16 euros.

And then we went to Latgalian funfair. Gorgeous. We ate, drank, danced, sang, bought things. So I'm left with 10 euros now. Salary's in September, and I need it to par the mortgage and move flats. I really hope I'll have a couple of private lessons for cash.

Good thing I bought batteries for my vibrator, cause my libido's been growing enormously, I guess it's because of stress. And since I'm having communication problems, vibrator's the only way to relieve the tension. And I even squeezed out the last drop of lube - yes, I'm out of lube, too. Funny - the after sunbathing lotion (sensitive fucking edition!!!) burns like hell.
lietuveens: (always)
But it's probably because of leaving home. I always feel abandoned and lost after returning to the capital city. That's not what I need. I feel torn off my roots, flowing in the air.
lietuveens: (fuckyou)
Sometimes I forget what an idiot I am. I give people false hopes for a day or two, and then fuck it all up completely. I am literally unbelievable.

So I decide it's time for a change. I register on a dating site, I meet a guy, we start chatting. Sure enough, he wants to meet.

It takes a fucking EFFORT for me to simply agree to a meeting. Because I know I'm a sociophobic intro-fucking-veeeeert. Then I say to myself - well, Anna, you are 27 years old, it's time you started dating men, it's time to started having sex, darn it. Like, with PEOPLE.

So we chat, talk on the phone, decide upon the plans for Saturday.. and then he starts talking about sex. Not straight words, of course, but quite clear. I joke it all away. And I spend four fucking hours trying to imagine myself having sex with somebody I don't even know, let alone having feelings for a person. I'm trying to persuade myself that it's FUCKING TIME!!! But - no. I can't. I want it different way, or better none.

SO I message the guy that it's not gonna work.

I am so going down with the evolution. So Darwin. The weak die out.

God have mercy on me, I'm all depressed and mentally destroyed again.

Right. So.

Dec. 16th, 2013 09:25 pm
lietuveens: (shutup)
I fucked up a solo part on the concert. The conductor is being extremely mild (not commenting on this, at least to my face). Whereas I'm constantly fighting off the desire hit my head against the wall until I bleed the shame out. Sure, I found out about the part 24hrs before the concert and never had the chance to rehearse, but stiiiiiiiiiillll....
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