lietuveens: (shutup)
...to figure out answers to questions that wouldn't matter tomorrow when I dress into my suicide squad armour. Still, they had to be clarified - why I have decided to torture myself with the things I would have never assigned myself to a couple of years ago. People.
lietuveens: (cats)
...needs my songs. Or rather I need to sing them to whoever listens or doesn't listen at all - that does not matter. I am filled with music. And now choir is on holiday until February - it's a disaster.
lietuveens: (always)
...two days ago, and I ran across Severus GIF, so now I am watching HP and contemplating about what would happen if I started thinking about him again. He is still the best thing that has happened to me. I do not regret a single second of those 10 years.
lietuveens: (whoa mama)
...who works at the embassy here and totally thinks I'm a spy because I'm Russian, I speak decent English, and I live AND work very very close to him. He's intrigued and I'm displaying my best personality traits like talking which is a struggle, but then he talks about his Kenyan girlfriend (whatever that means) but still keeps chatting on Facebook. So I have no idea what to do with all that. We've known each other for two days but I feel reasonably comfortable already.
lietuveens: (всё тлен)
...too close and for too long. The only thing I want is to crawl back home and stay there until I feel a bit more stable. And universe flies on - private tutorials, work, university, people, people, people... My happy place seems unreachable, so close yet so far because of the 4th dimension. Yes, time is the thing that anchors me to this transparent reality. And, yes, transparent - I can see so many worlds beyond it. And it's all a mirage.
lietuveens: (shutup)
...and now I am desperately trying to get back on track. Actually, I'm not. I don't give a single fuck about the reality and just lock myself in the flat and do nothing. Can't even bring myself to clean the house and mop the floors which is something I REALLY need to do. Also trying to get back with my food plan which is a complete disaster at the moment. But it's getting better. Being broke helps - I don't buy shit and I don't eat shit.

A good thing - a couple of new poems and a bit of piano work. Learned to play "Take it with me", kinda put on paper but it doesn't feel right. I need someone to play it so I figure where the problems are. Started trying out simple pieces to decide which ones I want to learn. Got halfway through.

I've grown particularly fond of Alan Cumming (again) about two weeks ago so I'm enjoying time with him. It's so good to have a couple millions of extra universes in my head.
lietuveens: (всё тлен)
...but when they do...

It's Alan. I haven't felt so shitty for a long time.

I still have deep feeling for Severus and I don't hope to love anyone else that way. It's impossible. A chance like that is given once in a lifetime.

No.

Jan. 14th, 2016 03:36 pm
lietuveens: (always)
No way. No. Alan.
lietuveens: (fuckyou)
...are dramatic. I knew that June talk would echo in me someway, and there it is. First, I am not afraid to meet men. Yesterday organised a date with a guy I met on the internet. Survived it almost without any stress. A year ago I would become hysterical several days before meeting, cancel everything and change my phone number, And? And. Figured out two things:

Uno. Here's the chance I asked the universe for - to have relationship, to have a family, to have simple down-to-earth life.

Dos. I don't fucking want it.
lietuveens: (always)
I weigh less than 80 kilos now. Stunningly beautiful at times. Happy. Throwing out clothes which are too big. Shopping for new.

Food is still difficult. Can't figure out whether that is a matter of discipline or my stomach's gone bad again.

I need a cajon. Now.
lietuveens: (shutup)
...now I have a bruise on the back of my palm.
lietuveens: (Default)
...absolutely motivated. There was a Lithuanian guy who told things about breathing and using the voice. Realized I'm a weakling and I have to boost myself up. The best exercise for singing is a goddamn plank on elbows. Now trying to use the new knowledge. Practising standing, exercising and breathing in the right way. Doggy-breath is a challenge, too. Can't do it for even half a minute. Sissy.

So I'm returning to the gym and trying to get fit.

Ah, yes. Got "promoted" to 1st sopranos. I can't say I am satisfied, but it's a challenge. I'll take the risk and see if it works. Think, think, think while singing.

Figured out I'm pretty good at rhythm. Now I DESIRE a drum, a cajon or a djembe or a conga. For now I use my "lacis" but I want something decent. Practice, practice, practice.
lietuveens: (cats)
...is not wanting to go anywhere a couple of hours before leaving. I want to burn my tickets, roll into my bed and pretend I'm not there for this world. That is so strange. But I am honestly fighting it. I've already booked a taxi and got all packed up. Another couple of hours and I'll be on my way to Tallinn, then Helsinki. I haven't been to my lover-city Tallinn for a long time, we'll meet again. I have to get a bit drunk and dizzy, that's how he likes me the most. I'll breathe it in. I'll huff and I'll puff and I'm gonna blow it down.

And then there will be absolutely strange Helsinki with liquorice ice-cream and extremely expensive alcohol. Fidgety Finns. We'll see, we'll see.
lietuveens: (always)
...what if this is my best world? What if I was lucky? What if this is the best me? What if in the previous life I persuaded the universe to leave me the fuck alone this one time?
lietuveens: (always)
...every time I make dough. I've just put some bread dough for the night, and it's s warm all around. That is true magic.
lietuveens: (Default)
Got rid of helicobacteria, started eating better, lost 8 kilos in a month. Dear Gd, if you're English-speaking - thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
lietuveens: (Default)
...the worst part of it is not the hunger (which I am happily not experiencing at this point) but the missing necessity to buy, prepare and maintain the food. SO I accidentally creep into the kitchen to look at all the stuff I have just to realise I don't want any of that.
lietuveens: (cats)
...due to appetite loss and having to manage my meals so that all the pills I have to take settle... uh... harmoniously. They say one needs 23 days to build up a habit so I'm determined to struggle through these 23 days (actually, 15 left) and keep my meals small and regular.

And there's this coach at the gym I would love to know better. I know I never will but it's nice to know I can still feel something. For the last three month all I was feeling was my rational brain trying to figure out how to survive - when to eat, when to sleep, when to do stuff I desperately need to do. The worst of it is almost having a hysterical breakdown because you need to have a shower but you want to go to bed so much that quite ordinary brushing your teeth (which takes about 2 minutes) seems like a tragedy.

Shit.
lietuveens: (Default)
...for over a month I've been struggling through Hawking's "A brief history of time", my philologist brain rebelled but I managed to tame it. It was the kind of book you can read only on the trolleybus at 7 a.m. Demands certain level of concentration which is impossible to get any other time of the day.

Now I'm reading "An astronaut' s guide to life on Earth" which is a slight bore but at least it's different from what I do everyday. Makes me feel at NASA :)
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